I am living at Linda's house and working for James in Mission Valley but recently had this vivid dream.
I dreamed I went outside Linda's house in front to look for Tanner but when I got out there I was somewhere else and there were many people around and then I saw Richard standing there looking at me. He had on his green V-necked sweater and although I did not think about it until later he looked like he did in his 30's.
Anyway it was very comforting and he had taken me away from the crowd and we were standing in an alcove. I said, "Oh, Richard, it is so hard." and he said, like he often did. "Yes, but what can we do?" when there really is no other answer. It was so real. I then asked him, "What is it like in Heaven?" and he began to talk, but I do not remember any of what he told me except I remember the word "councils".
I can't explain how comforting that embrace was but it was very interesting to hear of Miriam's experience being so much the same and for the embrace to sort of enclose all of you.
Richard in his V-necked sweater
I call it a "Hug from Heaven" and wonder if most people receive this visit. When I was sharing the story with a widow at the Temple she said, "I wish I had ".
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August 13, 1997 It is 1 AM and I am so distraught, today I was to work at the Temple, be there at 4:30 pm. I didn't go, I love going to the Temple but I am so involved in getting the loans processed...two people were hired to start helping me tomorrow and so I had to stay and go through each file to see what they need to do. It is all so impossible and I am still not done!
We became a loan processing center for WMA and we just can't get it all done, nothing closes so we get no money and I keep spending my own money for mailing, supplies, and help and still we can't get it all done, and can't get it done right!
And now James and Kent have made a deal with Associated to have them do all the processing, but we still have the same problems and making the transition is a disaster and no one is sure of what whose role is and I am working all the time but it is just too much and too much inexperience and too little help!!! Maybe I can't be what is needed and should just walk away. It's back to the same thing I have done for years for Richard's business. Where has it gotten me? What is my worth? My value? When do I get to live a life that I want, should I just walk away and find a small job in the mountains near Maria?
I am so embarrassed about not going to the Temple or calling. I kept thinking I could get it done and go late but I'm always working late and we can't get them closed.
Am I so bad or dumb or inexperienced? Why can't things work out? I'm so tired and terribly unhappy. Is it because I don't do what I should, did I not have enough faith to go and do my Temple job and think I could do what needed to be done at work tomorrow? I just can't get anything done in the day with so many around and the phones going, we just have to figure it all out better.
We are all blaming each other, would I take a full-time job for $2500 plus? No, I would rather try and do things in WMA and have my independence or retire and do something else, somewhere cheaper. I feel so badly about not being able to dwell on the Temple or other things besides work. So frustrated!!!
August 24, 1997 It's 2:30 AM Sunday morning and I can't sleep. I am so unhappy and so unsure about committing to work with Associated. I just don't know what to do, or who I can talk to. I was happier a few months ago, is it the processing that has driven me crazy? Do I really want to be involved?
Jeanne said that Mom is so weak she can't stand up, especially at night. That is the hard time for Jeanne. She tries to urge her but doesn't know if she's doing all she can already. Then when Mom sees Jeanne is impatient she does not talk at all for a day or so. Julie is living at Jeanne's and she is very sweet and willing to stay with Mom when Jeanne needs to do other things. Julie never complains about having a hard time handling Mom and Mom says Julie is wonderful.
Mom will be 95 next month I think. I can't imagine living that long.
Here is a picture of Mom and Dad in happier days when they were living in Idaho Falls. They would only be in their early sixties in this picture.
September 12, 1997 1:52 am Friday morning. I can't sleep again. I've been working for Associated supposedly since I came back from Big Bear. I was so depleted I really needed that vacation from the 15th to the 22nd.
Supposedly I am getting paid $4000 a month but haven't received any yet. I gave Barb my paperwork but never get over to see her. I'm still not real comfortable with it all. My job is to review every file that the agent's bring in the door to give the nod to if I feel it is worth processing. They are pushing these 125% loans and calling a lot of military people to get loans from. I am very uneasy about the whole operation.
The owners were terrific loan officers but they made a lot of money and now with this new loan type they feel they are ready to run a business but they have a lot of salaried people like me who do not bring in any income. I am concerned that they will have difficulty meeting their bottom line.
October 24, 1997 Life goes by so fast. This week I was very tired and depressed again. When actually I had been feeling pretty well. But I get so lonely. I had no idea one could be so lonely even with family around. Richard would feel good to know I miss him and his goodness. He was always so kind to me and concerned for my welfare. I still forget to put gas in the car because he did it for me. He was always willing to run any errand, even if he had just settled on the couch. The couch that is at Garth's house. I hope I can gather my furniture up someday.
I do miss the light and airiness of my home and having plenty of room for everything. I would wish I could have a place up by the Temple someday. I should give up my dream of living in the mountains. I just visited at Maria's in Susanville and I get hay fever so badly, same up in Big Bear, I can't breathe.
Yesterday was our 38th Wedding Anniversary and Linda came to the office and we had good food at the Rusty Pelican and saw " Seven Years in Tibet". It was a beautiful film and very enlightening. I would like to read the book.
Linda is happy to be pregnant again. Camber would like to be. James and Camber are so busy and gone so much with their WMA work. James' friend Roger is living here at James' house now, too and becoming involved in WMA. He is also doing some things around the house and yard.
I have been getting paid $4000 a month since 8/25, so it has been nice to have a weekly paycheck but we are all unhappy because we are not closing loans. I have been very concerned about their overhead with all the people they have hired and machines they have bought. We just can 't come upon a system that really works on a timely basis.
I was so distraught again this week, I've been praying especially hard every morning before I go to work, to be able to do well, think clearly, feel good about my work. It is amazing to me all the millions of people in the world and yet our prayers are heard and answered!
I feel badly that I've not grown more as a person. I overheard Sharon telling the R S President what a great teacher I was but I wonder if I could teach well again, I am always so unsure of myself.
November 16, 1997 I awoke with a sore throat again and aches and pains, so I just slept in. I am also gloomy and lonely, it is so hard not to have someone who is a confidante and to share problems and fears and hopes and dreams. I've been missing my home so much. I've had it so good over the years, but now it is so hard. I told James I do not want to work with Associated anymore. They do not understand bottomline and I do not think they are going to make it. I want to be out of there as soon as possible. I enjoy the salary but I just am too uneasy about their whole operation.
I spent a lot of money and bought a large TV. I enjoy it so much because I can really see and feel a part of the film. This room at Jimmy's house is very long! Also last week Nadine and I went to "Memories and More" and I started a Memory book of Richard. Linda and Jimmy both looked at it though and were not too impressed. I just feel I can't do anything well anymore. I watched our old home movies. I did not appreciate what a great time it was when the children were little and we had such involvement in the ward and with other families.
November 23, 1997 I am feeling so blue. Today I left church right after Sunday school. I feel so lonely when I go to 7th Ward. I feel like I am invisible. I don't. know why I have such problem. I've been thinking so much about a year ago. I went straight to the cemetery and bought a rose, cleaned up the tombstone and just sat for awhile. I think the reason I feel so blue is I feel so insecure and alone after having a home for years and family gatherings, it's like it will never happen again. For some reason I can't make friends and will never be a part of 7th ward. I've been there 4 months and never even approached about a job or anything. I am very expendable.
November 25, 1997 The eve of Richard's death anniversary. I am going to bed early so I can wake early and catch a flight to Susanville. I think it will be good to be with the Valkos. I will be at Linda's for Christmas. I most control my feelings more and reach out and be more loving...
December 2, 1997 I had a wonderful time in Susanville. I felt comfortable, loved and living without feeling so stressed. I felt confident about. my work and prepared a lot of notes as to what I wanted to do. I read a lot of helpful things. I feel very warm and loving toward all the children and Maria and Mark.
I thought I would come back and eagerly get back to work, instead as soon as I got to airport and had to deal alone with my luggage I became stressed and felt vulnerable and alone and lost all my confident feelings, my head ached so much. I felt so sorry for myself for having to lose my home and not having anyplace to go or anyone to be with. Linda's family was going to Fuddruckers but I didn't want to go. I feel so sad about my whole situation. Where is all the peace and comfort and confidence I thought I was feeling, it's all gone. Why does my head just ache and ache.
Martin called and offered to pick me up at airport to take up to Park City, it is hard for me to be as friendly as I should be. I just feel my stupidness at being without home and money at my age and having to work to support myself. But I can't just take off. I won't get paid and then it will cost me and I just don't know what to do.
I read "A Little Princess" which Melissa had in her room. I enjoyed it so much. Here's a quote,
"If nature has made you a giver, your hands are born open, and so is your heart, and though there may be time when your hands are empty, your heart is always full and you can give things out of that--warm things, kind things, sweet things--help and comfort and laughter--and sometimes gay, kind laughter is the best help of all."
"Becky had scarcely known what laughter was through all her poor, little hard-driven life. Sara made her laugh, and laughed with her and though neither of them quite knew it, the laughter was as "fillin" as the meat pies. "
December 16, 1997 I went to Orlando, Fl with James and Camber. They had a Top Gun Conference and I saw Epcot and MGM. It rained all the time and I was alone most of the time. There was a shuttle from the hotel to Disney World. One afternoon as I was there a little boy near me said, "Are you here alone?" and I said I was, that my son and wife had meetings all the time and wanted me to enjoy myself. They were so nice to me after that and kept including me in their doings. I thought it was so mature of the boy to be concerned. People are good.
