A Hug from Heaven, Distress, Wedding Anniversary, Genealogy and Real Estate-1997

I am living at Linda's house and working for James in Mission Valley but recently had this vivid dream.

I dreamed I went outside Linda's house in front to look for Tanner but when I got out there I was somewhere else and there were many people around and then I saw Richard standing there looking at me.  He had on his green V-necked sweater and although I did not think about it until later he looked like he did in his 30's.  

Anyway it was very comforting and he had taken me away from the crowd and we were standing in an alcove.  I said, "Oh, Richard, it is so hard." and he said,  like he often did.  "Yes, but what can we do?" when there really is no other answer.  It was so real.  I then asked him, "What is it like in Heaven?" and he began to talk, but I do not remember any of what he told me except I remember the word "councils".

I can't explain how comforting that embrace was but it was very interesting to hear of Miriam's experience being so much the same and for the embrace to sort of enclose all of you.

Richard in his V-necked sweater

I call it a "Hug from Heaven" and wonder if most people receive this visit.  When I was sharing the story with a widow at the Temple she said,  "I wish I had ".

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August 13, 1997  It is 1 AM and I am so distraught,  today I was to work at the Temple, be there at 4:30 pm.  I didn't go, I love going to the Temple but I am so involved in getting the loans processed...two people were hired to start helping me tomorrow and so I had to stay and go through each file to see what they need to do.  It is all so impossible and I am still not done!

We became a loan processing center for WMA and we just can't get it all done, nothing closes so we get no money and I keep spending my own money for mailing, supplies, and help and still we can't get it all done, and can't get it done right!

And now James and Kent have made a deal with Associated to have them do all the processing, but we still have the same problems and making the transition is a disaster and no one is sure of what whose role is and I am working all the time but it is just too much and too much inexperience and too little help!!!  Maybe I can't be what is needed and should just walk away.  It's back to the same thing I have done for years for Richard's business.  Where has it gotten me?  What is my worth?  My value?  When do I get to live a life that I want, should I just walk away and find a small job in the mountains near Maria?

I am so embarrassed about not going to the Temple or calling.  I kept thinking I could get it done and go late but I'm always working late and we can't get them closed. 

Am I so bad or dumb or inexperienced?  Why can't things work out?  I'm so tired and terribly unhappy.  Is it because I don't do what I should, did I not have enough faith to go and do my Temple job and think I could do what needed to be done at work tomorrow?  I just can't get anything done in the day with so many around and the phones going, we just have to figure it all out better.  

We are all blaming each other, would I take a full-time job for $2500 plus?  No, I would rather try and do things in WMA and have my independence or retire and do something else, somewhere cheaper.  I feel so badly about not being able to dwell on the Temple or other things besides work.  So frustrated!!!

August 24, 1997  It's 2:30 AM Sunday morning and I can't sleep. I am so unhappy and so unsure about committing to work with Associated.  I just don't know what to do, or who I can talk to.  I was happier a few months ago, is it the processing that has driven me crazy?  Do I really want to be involved?   

Jeanne said that Mom is so weak she can't stand up, especially at night.  That is the hard time for Jeanne.  She tries to urge her but doesn't know if she's doing all she can already.  Then when Mom sees Jeanne is impatient she does not talk at all for a day or so.  Julie is living at Jeanne's and she is very sweet and willing to stay with Mom when Jeanne needs to do other things.  Julie never complains about having a hard time handling Mom and Mom says Julie is wonderful.

Mom will be 95 next month I think.  I can't imagine living that long.

Here is a picture of Mom and Dad in happier days when they were living in Idaho Falls.  They would only be in their early sixties in this picture.

September 12, 1997 1:52 am Friday morning.  I can't sleep again.  I've been working for Associated supposedly since I came back from Big Bear.  I was so depleted I really needed that vacation from the 15th to the 22nd. 

Supposedly I am getting paid $4000 a month but haven't received any yet.  I gave Barb my paperwork but never get over to see her.  I'm still not real comfortable with it all.  My job is to review every file that the agent's bring in the door to give the nod to if I feel it is worth processing.  They are pushing these 125% loans and calling a lot of military people to get loans from.  I am very uneasy about the whole operation.  

The owners were terrific loan officers but they made a lot of money and now with this new loan type they feel they are ready to run a business but they have a lot of salaried people like me who do not bring in any income.  I am concerned that they will have difficulty meeting their bottom line.

October 24, 1997  Life goes by so fast. This week I was very tired and depressed again.  When actually I had been feeling pretty well.  But I get so lonely. I had no idea one could be so lonely even with family around.  Richard would feel good to know I miss him and his goodness.  He was always so kind to me and concerned for my welfare.  I still forget to put gas in the car because he did it for me. He was always willing to run any errand, even if he had just settled on the couch.  The couch that is at Garth's house.  I hope I can gather my furniture up someday.

I do miss the light and airiness of my home and having plenty of room for everything.  I would wish I could have a place up by the Temple someday.  I should give up my dream of living in the mountains.  I just visited at Maria's in Susanville and I get hay fever so badly, same up in Big Bear, I can't breathe.

Yesterday was our 38th Wedding Anniversary and Linda came to the office and we had good food at the Rusty Pelican and saw " Seven Years in Tibet".  It was a beautiful film and very enlightening.  I would like to read the book.

Linda is happy to be pregnant again.   Camber would like to be.  James and Camber are so busy and gone so much with their WMA work.  James' friend Roger is living here  at James' house now, too and becoming involved in WMA.  He is also doing some things around the house and yard.

I have been getting paid $4000 a month since 8/25, so it has been nice to have a weekly paycheck but we are all unhappy because we are not closing loans.  I have been very concerned about their overhead with all the people they have hired and machines they have bought.  We just can 't come upon a system that really works on a timely basis.

I was so distraught again this week, I've been praying especially hard every morning before I go to work, to be able to do well, think clearly, feel good about my work.  It is amazing to me all the millions of people in the world and yet our prayers are heard and answered!

I feel badly that I've not grown more as a person.  I overheard Sharon telling the R S President what a great teacher I was but I wonder if I could teach well again,  I am always so unsure of myself.

November 16, 1997 I awoke with a sore throat again and aches and pains, so I just slept in.  I am also gloomy and lonely, it is so hard not to have someone who is a confidante  and to share problems and fears and hopes and dreams.  I've been missing my home so much.  I've had it so good over the years, but now it is so hard.  I told James I do not want to work with Associated anymore.  They do not understand bottomline and I do not think they are going to make it.  I want to be out of there as soon as possible.  I enjoy the salary but I just am too uneasy about their whole operation.

I spent a lot of money and bought a large TV. I enjoy it so much because I can really see and feel a part of the film.  This room at Jimmy's house is very long! Also last week Nadine and I went to "Memories and More" and I started a Memory book of Richard.  Linda and Jimmy both looked at it though and were not too impressed.  I just feel I can't do anything well anymore.  I watched our old home movies.  I did not appreciate what a great time it was when the children were little and we had such involvement in the ward and with other families.

November 23, 1997 I am feeling so blue.  Today I left church right after Sunday school.  I feel so lonely when I go to 7th Ward.  I feel like I am invisible.  I don't. know why I have such problem.  I've been thinking so much about a year ago.  I went straight to the cemetery and bought a rose, cleaned up the tombstone and just sat for awhile.  I think the reason I feel so blue is I feel so insecure and alone after having a home for years and family gatherings, it's like it will never happen again.  For some reason I can't make friends and will never be a part of 7th ward.  I've been there 4 months and never even approached about a job or anything.  I am very expendable.

November 25, 1997  The eve of Richard's death anniversary.  I am going to bed early so I can wake early and catch a flight to Susanville.  I think it will be good to be with the Valkos.  I will be at Linda's for Christmas.  I most control my feelings more and reach out and be more loving...

December 2, 1997 I had a wonderful time in Susanville.  I felt comfortable, loved and living without feeling so stressed.  I felt confident about. my work and prepared a lot of notes as to what I wanted to do.  I read a lot of helpful things.  I feel very warm and loving toward all the children and Maria and Mark.  

I thought I would come back and eagerly get back to work, instead as soon as I got to airport and had to deal alone with my luggage I became stressed and felt vulnerable and alone and lost all my confident feelings, my head ached so much.  I felt so sorry for myself for having to lose my home and not having anyplace to go or anyone to be with.  Linda's family was going to Fuddruckers but I didn't want to go.  I feel so sad about my whole situation.  Where is all the peace and comfort and confidence I thought I was feeling, it's all gone.  Why does my head just ache and ache.

Martin called and offered to pick me up at airport to take up to Park City, it is hard for me to be as friendly as I should be.  I just feel my stupidness at being without home and money at my age and having to work to support myself.  But I can't just take off.  I won't get paid and then it will cost me and I just don't know what to do.  

I read "A Little Princess" which Melissa had in her room.  I enjoyed it so much.  Here's a quote, 

"If nature has made you a giver, your hands are born open, and so is your heart, and though there may be time when your hands are empty, your heart is always full and you can give things out of that--warm things, kind things, sweet things--help and comfort and laughter--and sometimes gay, kind laughter is the best help of all."  

"Becky had scarcely known what laughter was through all her poor, little hard-driven life.  Sara made her laugh, and laughed with her and though neither of them quite knew it, the laughter was as "fillin" as the meat pies. " 

December 16, 1997 I went to Orlando, Fl with James and Camber.  They had a Top Gun Conference and I saw Epcot and MGM.  It rained all the time and I was alone most of the time.  There was a shuttle from the hotel to Disney World.  One afternoon as I was there a little boy near me said, "Are you here alone?"  and I said I was, that my son and wife had meetings all the time and wanted me to enjoy myself.  They were so nice to me after that and kept including me in their doings.  I thought it was so mature of the boy to be concerned.  People are good.

 

Meagan at Pasadena High, 1997

Meagan emailed that their football team was in the Division 2 playoffs and yesterday was the last home game and it was really fun.  At halftime they had this contest where they picked someone to try to kick the football through the Y shaped thing at the end of the field to win a 20 inch color tv. 

And they picked Meagan's name for the third person to try.  The first one missed it. But the second guy did make it and so Meagan did not get to try after all.  She said she was kind of glad not to have to try and kick it in front of that huge crowd.  The guy who won was a soccer player.  But she said it was fun to walk out there in front of all those. people and hear her name over the loudspeakers.  Everyone mentioned it afterwards to her.

So fun experience for her.  She has really enjoyed Pasadena High and it has been very good for her.  It appears that Pasadena is like the schools in my day where they really support their teams and the students work hard at succeeding.  Great school.

I wrote back to her how neat it was to be famous!  I also told her that according to my genealogy work I found that Mary and John are the most common names followed by Elizabeth and Sarah.  And I told her I saw her friend Sarah and she looked really cute but so thin.  She is a vegetarian.

Anyway, then I shared with her that James' upline partner had rented a house up the hill from James, and Bandido liked to run up there and visit the little girl, but today all of them got out (Camber's two Labs) and ran away so we had to put the zap collars on them.  It buzzes when they get to their boundary.  Poor Bandido, he is so bewildered and looks so sad to be stuck at home.  I am living at Jimmy's house, of course, so Bandido is adjusting.

I also told Meagan that she was the only one in our lineage with that name so I am sure everyone will remember the name.

I also gave her this advice.  "As you climb the ladder of success, be sure it is leaning against the right building."

Christmas Letter and Tribute to Richard 1997

Richard died in November of 1996 but I could not write a Christmas Card last year.  This is the card I sent for Christmas 1997 except it did not have any pictures on it.   

 If I could have chosen a time for Richard to leave me, it would never have been when our children were young.  He was such a loving and compassionate father, so helpful and he loved to take the family on fun trips and give us the life he never had as a child.

And it would never have been when the children were young adults, Richard was such a help to them in making decisions about schooling and jobs and buying homes--always available for whoever needed him.

And it would never have been when we were alone after some twenty years--he was always such a good friend and supportive in every way--he made me feel of worth and loved.  And through his great love for people I shared his many friends and family.

But he did leave after thirty-seven years of marriage--and just before the special family time of Thanksgiving and Christmas--at a time when we were closer and more needful of each other than every before it seemed.  He left me with a little puppy friend Bandido--but words can't express the loneliness of this past year.

But I remember kneeling at the altar and hearing the words "For time and all eternity" and I am strengthened.  Someday we will be together again.  More than ever I understand that the cares of this world are but a moment and only the things of the spirit will we take with us. Perhaps I have been left alone so I can learn to give of myself the way Richard did.

I send my love to all of Richard's friends and family and express appreciation for all the concern that has been shown me this past year. Especially I appreciate the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ and the knowledge that He lives and because He lives, we all shall live again.

        MAY YOU HAVE A VERY JOYFUL 

 

CHRISTMAS AND A BLESSED NEW YEAR!

Richard C Hardy 

Aug 25, 1931--Nov 27, 1996

A Short Life,  Well Lived,  In Service of Others

Rose Parade with Meagan, John's Condo in Pasadena, Frustration and Gloom 1998

January 1, 1998 I spent New Years Eve at John's condo while Meagan worked.  John and I talked and he packed items.  He is getting ready to paint his kitchen cupboards.  He cooked pasta and I learned about South Florida Everglades and National Park.  It was an enjoyable time.

In the Morning Meagan and I walked over to the Rose Parade.  We had a good standing place and it started 10 minutes after we arrived.  I loved the parade.  I had never been there in person before.  I thought the Asian girls were the prettiest.  After the parade I brought Meagan home and enjoyed visiting and eating at Bagel Stop on the way.  In the afternoon I sat and watched the Rose Bowl, Michigan won and I put all Christmas decorations away and then ate candied popcorn.

January 2, 1998 I was frustrated at work again.  Just can't get enough done the way I want it.  Why am I having such a hard time?  Why am I so stressed and hating it so much?  I have this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach all the time. Camber and I went to Pucks for supper and then to a movie about slave trading.  It is hard to believe man can be so evil and cruel.  It was enjoyable though, Camber is very smart and beautiful.  Later I walked and ate candied popcorn again.

January 3, 1998 Meagan came over after I had a good day for a change, got a good start on what I wanted to do.  We went shopping at Fashion Valley and Meagan found a great deal on 3 pairs of shoes and I bought her a sweater.  We ate Cinnabons, cookies and candy!

 January 4, 1998  I bore my testimony today but did not say anything I wanted to.  But I did forget myself and focus on life, I want to find joy and love in all I do and forget petty feelings that are not good.  I'm feeling positive and focusing on what is important.  I think all of 7th Ward needs to get closer.  Seems all are strangers, not just me.  I need to find joy in the moment.

January 5, 1998 Dad's birthday.  He was such a good man.  Wonder if he and Richard see each other.  I am enjoying reading Marvelous Work and A Wonder.  Brigham Young in it a lot, I would enjoy teaching from the RS Manual this year I think.

January 18, 1998 It was another one of those very sad and lonely Sundays.  I had to force myself to stay at Church.  I did stay and Sharon and Doreen sat by me.  I felt sorry for the RS lady teaching Brigham Young.  She was having such a hard time.  I still have not received a call.  The Bishop walked right by me, doesn't know me at all.  The ward is a big ward but I wonder why I am so insignificant.  I want to believe the Lord loves me but I've lost everything and it doesn't 't seem I'll ever find warmth and happiness again.  I do not know what to do.  I wonder what will happen to Associated, I doubt anyone thinks I am needed.  I am not needed anywhere it seems.  I went out to the cemetery today.  Bandido and I.  I saw Kim Jensen's tombstone and the Castellano twin.  I just sat on the tombstone next to Richard's after putting a rose in the vase and thought about everything.  It is beautiful out there, but I am so alone.  What is in store for me?

April, 1998 The cycle goes on, depressed, working to get undepressed.  I enjoyed teaching a class in RS on Brigham Young, but they did not call me to be a teacher.  I did not involve the class much but many told me what a good lesson it was.

I am now out of the mortgage business.  Thank heaven.  I am just doing data base, letters, paying bills, keeping books, etc.  I think I will enjoy this.  

I've been in the ward since July and still don't have a calling.  It makes me feel bad that no one can see any value in me.

For about the last month Nadine has been walking with me in the mornings and I really do enjoy that.  She has also gotten me into doing Memory Books and I am now doing a Christmas Book as well as Richard's.  We also go to the movies!!!  So without Nadine I'd really be lonely. She is the only person I have every helped convert (introduced her to the Church, took her to Relief Society and sent the missionaries)..about 30 years ago, she was my hairdresser.  She would hear Margot and I talk under the dryers about what we were doing together and she began to ask me questions about the Church.  She is a lot younger, divorced Mom with a child, who is an adult, now, of course.  She also has her Mom in the same apartment building.

I just spent a week at Maria's.  I do not feel lonely but I sense Maria is always ready to get on with other things.  I do get invited to Linda's to do things occasionally and although I live at Jimmy's I really don't do much with them, though they probably feel the opposite.  

I can see the longer I am alone the more the families will leave me to my own devices.  John never calls or comes down but I do call him and Meagan occasionally.  It is so hard to believe I lived a busy full life and now have nothing and no identity or worth.  I need to get a life!!!!

I am not very fun to be around though, that is for sure.

May 10, 1998 Mother's Day and all is well.  I read these back pages of my journal and cannot believe I have been so depressed.  I have had fun fixing up my bathroom and a new office as James and Camber have also fixed up the home and it really looks nice.  All is well.  I've been asked to teach RS lesson and worry that I can't do it well.  Nadine and I are looking for beach bikes to add to our walking.  I have been feeling peace in my life.  So glad to be out of the mortgage business.  I'm happy about the little office and separate garage and my own back door.  I am doing a lot of different kind of work for James and WMA and so far, so good!!

Meagan Graduates from South Pasadena High School, 1998

 Meagan graduated from South Pasadena High School.  She spent her last two years of high school and it was a very good experience for her.

Jennifer saved a seat for me and I was able to good pictures which I currently cannot find except for this one.

I had made her a graduation dress out of white pique and she said it was the prettiest one there.

Jennifer had Baby Marissa with her and she is darling.  I hope Meagan has all those pictures and I hope I find them!!!

It was a very enjoyable time and I am so glad I was able to drive up to Pasadena.

I gave her a charm bracelet with the following poem:

A memory bracelet I give you, so you will not forget,

That you are loved and cherished by your own Grandma Janet.

The sun is to remind you of your roots near the sea,

Born and raised in La Jolla, what a wonderful place to be.

Christmas was always a special time, So I give you a Christmas Bell,

The joys and memories you gave me are too numerous to tell.

Of course, the piggy bank and penny is not too hard  to guess,

It represents you and your thrifty ways, as opposed to mine I confess.

The Teddy Bear plays a dual role, of my Grandchildren you were Number One,

And then the trip to Yellowstone, with you, Kristi, and Grandpa were fun.

Graduating from high school in June, and then off to college in the fall, 

Turning 18 in July, Yes, "98" will be an eventful year to recall!

The telephone represents the "office", where you learned to do "paperwork".

I loved our talks and time together, and you were never one to shirk.

The middle charm you'll have to discover, by flipping. the circle so fast,

Congratulations and best wishes, Meagan, may our closeness always last.

Unfortunately Meagan is not a fan of charm bracelets but I hope she likes the love from my heart I tried to show her.

And now she is on her own!!!  A college girl, so hard to believe the time goes so fast.  I am so glad John is a fan of education and that she is an excellent student, it will be a wonderful time for her, lucky girl!

We celebrate her birthday party at Linda's home.

Lagonita Lodge 1998

In the summer I kept our timeshare time at Lagonita and had a wonderful time with the grandchildren.

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Since I was now working with WMA and James and the guys I obtained my insurance license also.  I also have my securities license and I did use it when I invested the $25,000 I received from selling the house.   

Stress, Bandido, Babysitting, Jeanne and Mom, Bad Dreams, Sonogram 1998

October 23, 1998--Wedding Anniversary so feeling sad and lonely.  Certain people are always telling me what I should do.  I have plenty to do, that is not the problem.  Logically I should feel better than I do, logic has nothing to do with it and neither does prayer and reading the scriptures or going places--it's losing that support system, that person who makes you feel of worth--I am not finding that anywhere else.

I get so stressed--they are moving the mortgage business back into the office--I hope I don't have to have anything to do with it.  They lost a lock I had in for Melinda this week but WMA is going to have to eat it, as far as I'm concerned.  

Someone said they didn't understand why I should feel stressed and someone said I should have a sense a humor about it all.  So much advice, so little really understanding, losing your husband, your home, your independence, your income is not an easy thing at 65 and the fact I have so little control over the work I am expected to do, it is so stressful.  

November 5, 1998--Bandido has not been eating and been so mopey so I finally took him to the Vet.  It cost me $365 before I got out of there, he has an infection and I have to give him a daily douche and a pill I am supposed to hide in his food but he carefully spits it out do matter how well I try to hide it.  I try to put it down his throat and he always brings it up, so frustrating.

I tended the Pulsiphers while Linda and Gary went to Palm Desert for an Orthodontics Convention and I went over on Halloween night ( did nothing for Halloween)  but the night before Camber had her little Sunbeams dressed in costumes and Scott and his wife were there and their baby was dressed like Raggedy Ann so I had to tell them about dressing Meagan as Raggedy Ann for her first birthday and they had to come and see my Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls that I have in my apartment at Jimmy's house.

The Pulsiphers came back with lots of candy and needless to say, I had plenty!  We all went to church on Sunday and Kelly, Amy and then Tanner all bore their testimonies!!!  They are all such good kids but I get very tired, you have to be a young parent to handle it all, I think. 

Jeanne, my sister is the caretaker of my Mom and she has had pneumonia!!!  I am sure she gets runs down with all the caretaking.  And Mom is crying all the time because her bowels are uncomfortable, probably constipated.  So hard to live so long and not have your body work right.

I have been having bad dreams again.  Last night I had this very vivid dream of not being able to find any of my own clothes so I had to borrow my sisters.  Then I dropped all my makeup on the floor and couldn't find it to finish and my hair was not done and I didn't find a mirror with enough light to work on it and I kept going from room to room and couldn't get ready and everyone body was waiting for me.  I have this same kind of dream a lot, where I cannot get ready and everyone is waiting for me.

Camber's baby is due the end of January and she brought home a sonogram and the baby looks very big, really sprawled out, she has a very long uterus.  Fun to see, they did not have those when I was having babies.

Depression Addressed, A New Venture in Fall 1998

Dec 9, 1998 I can't believe I have not written in her for so long.  it was extremely hot in this apartment last summer and I was so depressed.  Nadine and I did buy bicycles, hers is red, mine is yellow and at first we were riding and walking on alternate days and then we just rode our bikes and it has been great, down by the ocean, around the bay. But, I have been eating too much and putting on lbs and it is very cold out.

In summer went to WMA in Las Vegas, enjoyed that very much.  In August had a Hardy FamilyReunion in Nevada and then went on to Zion with the Pulsipher and stayed at Buffalo Bills.  Meagan and I really had an enjoyable time, visited Alan's summer home and Miriam's, too.  Both very comfortable and nice.  

Then I got so depressed again I decided to call Kaiser and I met with a therapist and he put me on Elavil and met with several times in the last three months and then for Thanksgiving I went to Susanville and Maria drove me to Clear Creek and Lake Almanor Country Club and I fell in love with the area!!!!  The drive up the snowy hill with tall snow covered trees on each side was magic!!!

It is a gated community on a huge lake.  The tranquility, the beauty, the peace! We drove around and looked at a few places for sell in my low price range and I was attracted to one especially, so Maria made an appt with a realtor.

We went back on a beautiful snowy day, the realtor was very pleasant and the house I was interested in..1248 sq ft with large pine tree lot..front and back deck..three bedroom.  I felt an immediate "good feeling."

I asked the realtor, "Why  do I like this one so well?"  He said, "It has a more woodsy feeling." Anyway I just felt this area was perfect for me and this house was perfect for me but I did not want to think too rashly so I slept on it and prayed about it.  By now I had stopped taking the Elavil and I was feeling pretty good.  Anyway two days later I told Mark how I felt about the area and my need to leave the city and get on with my life and how I felt it was for me.

Then I called the realtor and told him exactly what I wanted to offer ($110,000) though it was listed at $129,000) and since I was leaving that night he said he'd run a verbal by them.  I felt so in control of my life, so certain that I was needed in the Branch there, so sure that that house would be perfect for me and I should be there and I would feel the peace I am seeking and the area was all I had hoped for, a kind of getting back to my roots, a small town, I felt energized and such gratitude for finally getting an answer to my prayers of where I should be.  I would still have to work it out. but it certainly a lot cheaper there.

Anyway the people did not respond.  It was owned by four children that had to make a decision and they would be taking a loss.  I did not see how I could afford anymore.  I am praying we can compromise some way.  Jeanne said she would loan me money and Martin said he would help if needed.  I was grateful for both.

I felt Richard was helping to make it happen for me.  He always wanted me to be able to keep my house and probably will not rest well until I have my house in the mountains.  Camber said she can imagine Richard talking to the couple up there and telling them how much I need that house. Everyone is rooting for me, I think.

Dec10, 1998 I talked to John and he does not see how I can afford to do this!  

Oh, and the people came back at $118,000 and I said, "Yes".  I feel so right and clear.  I feel it is an answer to my prayers.  Here's hoping I can figure out the money!!!!  I am pulled my money out of the investment I put the proceeds from the sale of the house in as it has grown so amazingly and I do not want any surprises to change that!!!  I need every penny I can get.  With a 25% down the underwriting is a lot less stringent.

I called Maria and told her about the acceptance and about talking to John, he made me cry, and Maria made me feel better!

My News About Lake Almanor to Meagan and Christmas 1998

Meagan is attending college at UCSD, Davis near Sacramento and we email quite often.  I tell her all about finding the house I want to buy in Lake Almanor, Northern California!!  

Lots of good information so I am saving it here.

I enjoyed the emails back and forth with Meagan while she was in college.  I usually gave her a message for the day at the end.

One I certainly find to be true as I get older was this, "Middle age is when you have two choices and you choose the one that gets you home earlier."--Old age is when you have two choices also--TV or Bed!"

Christmas 1998 

Christmas at Park City was so good.  I enjoyed being with the grandchildren so much.  We did tubing and ice skating and eating.  I have not skied in years, too hard on my knees.  I so appreciated the family being there.  I did manage to get some pictures but not of everyone...duh.

Pix from their home

Surprised I could still skate with my old ankles.  Skating was a big part of my life as a child and teenager...both roller skating as a child on the sidewalks, then roller skating as teenagers in the barn to music and ice skating every winter at the baseball field.  Great memories of skating but no skiing.

They played a fun game here, kept having everyone change positions and then snap pictures.  Who was snapping pix?????

  

The Start of a Good Life Again! Jacob Is Born-My Mother Passes Away 1999

January 6, 1999 I had two weeks in Utah.  Cold in Park City and I stayed with Meagan and John.  Wish I had made Meagan's Christmas better but we did have a tree and nice get together.  John brought pies and rice jambalaya and polenta.   

John looks good, lost weight.  We had fun with Maria and Linda's families though Linda was having lots of car trouble.

Will a San Diego Bandido like the Snow???

The second week I went to Jeanne's and James and Camber brought Bandido up.  I had a lovely lazy tine, helped feed and care for Mom some.  She is sleeping so much now but her skin looks beautiful.  Carole came down and Jeanne took us to a Club she belongs to. There were lots of nice couples with lovely lives and homes it appears.  

I am having problems getting the loan from Washington Mutual.  They want 3 years distance from my bankruptcy.  I am sending copy package to Maria's bank and I sent one to Dr. W.  I surely don't like taking care of all these things by myself.  I am feeling uneasy and uncertain and eating lots of candy.  

I talked to my realtor in Lake Almanor and told him I am determined to make it work.  He says he is taking 10 days off and coming down to see me?  I think he is just being nice.   I like him very much as a person and friend but surely I am too old for anything else.  A friend is nice anyway.  He is feeling lonely and sad.  I so want to be up there.  It is so hard to figure this out by myself.  Maria is being very helpful though and with all her experience I really appreciate that.  Have not seen any money from M so probably they changed their mind.

I have had to get into all the old bk papers and it is hard to remember those terrible months after Richard died.  Why did all this happen to me?  I pray I find the peace and joy I am seeking.

January 8, 1999  Dr. W will not be a back up for a private loan.  Too far away.  I was so sure I could make this work but it does seem impossible.  This is why I hate to want for anything, because then I get disappointed.  I feel so alone and unable to deal with this.  Dr. W never knew Richard had to do a bankruptcy because of that deal he tried to save.  All I heard about was the problems Dr. W had with his money.  Richard really took good care of him and he was a very good client for Richard.  Why do some people have so much and some so little.  Have I not worked hard?  Richard said you have to work smart, not hard.

If WM won't do it or Tri Country, then I do not know what to do.  What will become of me?  I should have followed the fortune cookie advice and kept my plans secret instead of blabbing to the whole world and actually being happy for a change.   I really thought Dr. W might say he would be my back up.  Me, who never used to cry, now I cry all the time.

January 8, 1999 Washington Mutual just  approved me for 8.5% for 3 years and then rolls into an adjustable--not bad for a 574 Fico!!!  My loan officer said I must have been an excellent loan processor because I presented such good documentation.  I feel so good,   I thank my Heavenly Father for answering my prayers.  I can proceed with my plans, maybe my "mission" is up in Lake Almanor.

January 16, 1999 I went to breakfast with Joanne, Doreen, Esther and Doris from 7th Ward.  It was my "birthday" breakfast and I shared with them my plans to move.  It was very nice of them all and I think they think I am crazy but wished me well.

Meagan brought me over three books for my birthday "to start me on my reading the Classics project".  When I get all our stuff ready for the tax people, then I can start reading.  

Frank S called and wanted me to work for him!  Richard's good client Mr. L called and said he would be my back up on my house purchase and he would come and see me up there.  Evidently it is a favorite fishing place of his.  He said his children would not like it but he appreciated Richard so much he wanted to help me!!!  Wow, I feel so happy, I can proceed without fear and know it can work!!!

January 31, 1999 I enjoyed going to the fireside honoring the new Stake President and release of the present one. I saw many of the people I had known from the stake and enjoyed talking to them.  Jolene's husband had to get a pacemaker and has had more dementia, so hard for her.  Seems we all have our problems.  Enjoyed talking to Ed, his wife died in January 1996, such a good man,  I really enjoyed working with him in Stake Primary.  

I talked to Ray and then John, they are going to do a septic and clean up debris.  I will have to take care of the rest after taking possession.   

February 1, 1999 Feeling great joy and gratitude for everything and so excited about the new adventure.   Just read through here and how my feelings have evolved over the last two years. I really feel a part of 7th Ward now and have enjoyed the people and teaching the Brigham Young lessons.  They have all been so complimentary and say how much they will miss me.  Diane told me they probably have never had a teacher as good as me at Lake Almanor.  Note: I will find out that most all of the Clear Creek Branch are excellent teachers!!!  Really outstanding!

Nadine and I have been eating out on Sundays and I have enjoyed that.  She has been such a good friend, I will miss her a lot!!!  The stake president's wife told me she admired how much I have grown since my original depressed state after my husband died.   She said all people do not do that.  I hardly know her but appreciated her observation.  She said she appreciated my lessons and was very nice.

I certainly have come out of my depressed shell and have such a feeling of gratitude.  I can't believe how much more confidence I have in myself, how beloved and happy I feel most of the time and how I fill my life with activity and don't mind being alone.  I told Ed that I just need a laugh a day.  I feel so right about this move.

February 2, 1999 Camber and Jimmy are at the hospital!!!  They started Camber's labor because the heart rate of the baby slowed down.  I have been praying all would be well.  I had this terrible dream a few weeks ago.  We were at a pool and everyone was dressed in white and a woman and a man (Richard?) were tossing a baby back and forth and the baby boy fell under the water too long and did not come up and I was so upset and could not do anything.  I kept trying to get the man to help the baby up out of the water and it wasn't happening and I woke up so distressed.  

I tried to put the dream out of my mind and I did until l went to the Temple and then it all came back to me so vividly and I have been praying ever since for Camber to have a good birth and all well with the baby.  I was not sure what it all meant and I worry too much I know but now is the time and by morning we will know if all is well and now James called with this.  I better pray some more.

John left a message on my answering machine that he would call in the morning.

February 3, 1999 James called and said they would be doing a Caesarean because of the cord around the neck.  I drove as quickly as I could praying all the way.  As I neared the Linda Vista road I saw the vision of Richard in my mind reaching down and pulling the baby up out of the water and I realized he had been trying to pull him up and now succeeded and I knew all would be well with the baby.

I got to the hospital and found where they were and a nurse told me to watch in the window and I would see my son bring the baby out.  Sure enough he did.  I went in a little later and saw him.  A beautiful healthy son stretching and stretching.  So thankful!

Jacob, a little older than a newborn.  Such a cutie.

February 5, 1999 Mom passed away in her sleep.  Jeanne was working and did not hear her make a sound.  She had been eating less and less.  It was a blessing.  I had put her name in at the Temple on Thursday night along with Camber and James.

February 9, 1999 We had Mom's funeral at 11 today.  Yesterday Jeanne and Marilyn and I went to the funeral home and dressed her in beautiful Temple clothes she had selected some time ago.

Norma, Jenny, Stan, Brian and Missy Thayne