January 6, 1999 I had two weeks in Utah. Cold in Park City and I stayed with Meagan and John. Wish I had made Meagan's Christmas better but we did have a tree and nice get together. John brought pies and rice jambalaya and polenta.
John looks good, lost weight. We had fun with Maria and Linda's families though Linda was having lots of car trouble.
The second week I went to Jeanne's and James and Camber brought Bandido up. I had a lovely lazy tine, helped feed and care for Mom some. She is sleeping so much now but her skin looks beautiful. Carole came down and Jeanne took us to a Club she belongs to. There were lots of nice couples with lovely lives and homes it appears.
I am having problems getting the loan from Washington Mutual. They want 3 years distance from my bankruptcy. I am sending copy package to Maria's bank and I sent one to Dr. W. I surely don't like taking care of all these things by myself. I am feeling uneasy and uncertain and eating lots of candy.
I talked to my realtor in Lake Almanor and told him I am determined to make it work. He says he is taking 10 days off and coming down to see me? I think he is just being nice. I like him very much as a person and friend but surely I am too old for anything else. A friend is nice anyway. He is feeling lonely and sad. I so want to be up there. It is so hard to figure this out by myself. Maria is being very helpful though and with all her experience I really appreciate that. Have not seen any money from M so probably they changed their mind.
I have had to get into all the old bk papers and it is hard to remember those terrible months after Richard died. Why did all this happen to me? I pray I find the peace and joy I am seeking.
January 8, 1999 Dr. W will not be a back up for a private loan. Too far away. I was so sure I could make this work but it does seem impossible. This is why I hate to want for anything, because then I get disappointed. I feel so alone and unable to deal with this. Dr. W never knew Richard had to do a bankruptcy because of that deal he tried to save. All I heard about was the problems Dr. W had with his money. Richard really took good care of him and he was a very good client for Richard. Why do some people have so much and some so little. Have I not worked hard? Richard said you have to work smart, not hard.
If WM won't do it or Tri Country, then I do not know what to do. What will become of me? I should have followed the fortune cookie advice and kept my plans secret instead of blabbing to the whole world and actually being happy for a change. I really thought Dr. W might say he would be my back up. Me, who never used to cry, now I cry all the time.
January 8, 1999 Washington Mutual just approved me for 8.5% for 3 years and then rolls into an adjustable--not bad for a 574 Fico!!! My loan officer said I must have been an excellent loan processor because I presented such good documentation. I feel so good, I thank my Heavenly Father for answering my prayers. I can proceed with my plans, maybe my "mission" is up in Lake Almanor.
January 16, 1999 I went to breakfast with Joanne, Doreen, Esther and Doris from 7th Ward. It was my "birthday" breakfast and I shared with them my plans to move. It was very nice of them all and I think they think I am crazy but wished me well.
Meagan brought me over three books for my birthday "to start me on my reading the Classics project". When I get all our stuff ready for the tax people, then I can start reading.
Frank S called and wanted me to work for him! Richard's good client Mr. L called and said he would be my back up on my house purchase and he would come and see me up there. Evidently it is a favorite fishing place of his. He said his children would not like it but he appreciated Richard so much he wanted to help me!!! Wow, I feel so happy, I can proceed without fear and know it can work!!!
January 31, 1999 I enjoyed going to the fireside honoring the new Stake President and release of the present one. I saw many of the people I had known from the stake and enjoyed talking to them. Jolene's husband had to get a pacemaker and has had more dementia, so hard for her. Seems we all have our problems. Enjoyed talking to Ed, his wife died in January 1996, such a good man, I really enjoyed working with him in Stake Primary.
I talked to Ray and then John, they are going to do a septic and clean up debris. I will have to take care of the rest after taking possession.
February 1, 1999 Feeling great joy and gratitude for everything and so excited about the new adventure. Just read through here and how my feelings have evolved over the last two years. I really feel a part of 7th Ward now and have enjoyed the people and teaching the Brigham Young lessons. They have all been so complimentary and say how much they will miss me. Diane told me they probably have never had a teacher as good as me at Lake Almanor. Note: I will find out that most all of the Clear Creek Branch are excellent teachers!!! Really outstanding!
Nadine and I have been eating out on Sundays and I have enjoyed that. She has been such a good friend, I will miss her a lot!!! The stake president's wife told me she admired how much I have grown since my original depressed state after my husband died. She said all people do not do that. I hardly know her but appreciated her observation. She said she appreciated my lessons and was very nice.
I certainly have come out of my depressed shell and have such a feeling of gratitude. I can't believe how much more confidence I have in myself, how beloved and happy I feel most of the time and how I fill my life with activity and don't mind being alone. I told Ed that I just need a laugh a day. I feel so right about this move.
February 2, 1999 Camber and Jimmy are at the hospital!!! They started Camber's labor because the heart rate of the baby slowed down. I have been praying all would be well. I had this terrible dream a few weeks ago. We were at a pool and everyone was dressed in white and a woman and a man (Richard?) were tossing a baby back and forth and the baby boy fell under the water too long and did not come up and I was so upset and could not do anything. I kept trying to get the man to help the baby up out of the water and it wasn't happening and I woke up so distressed.
I tried to put the dream out of my mind and I did until l went to the Temple and then it all came back to me so vividly and I have been praying ever since for Camber to have a good birth and all well with the baby. I was not sure what it all meant and I worry too much I know but now is the time and by morning we will know if all is well and now James called with this. I better pray some more.
John left a message on my answering machine that he would call in the morning.
February 3, 1999 James called and said they would be doing a Caesarean because of the cord around the neck. I drove as quickly as I could praying all the way. As I neared the Linda Vista road I saw the vision of Richard in my mind reaching down and pulling the baby up out of the water and I realized he had been trying to pull him up and now succeeded and I knew all would be well with the baby.
I got to the hospital and found where they were and a nurse told me to watch in the window and I would see my son bring the baby out. Sure enough he did. I went in a little later and saw him. A beautiful healthy son stretching and stretching. So thankful!
February 5, 1999 Mom passed away in her sleep. Jeanne was working and did not hear her make a sound. She had been eating less and less. It was a blessing. I had put her name in at the Temple on Thursday night along with Camber and James.
February 9, 1999 We had Mom's funeral at 11 today. Yesterday Jeanne and Marilyn and I went to the funeral home and dressed her in beautiful Temple clothes she had selected some time ago.
