January 1, 1998 I spent New Years Eve at John's condo while Meagan worked. John and I talked and he packed items. He is getting ready to paint his kitchen cupboards. He cooked pasta and I learned about South Florida Everglades and National Park. It was an enjoyable time.
In the Morning Meagan and I walked over to the Rose Parade. We had a good standing place and it started 10 minutes after we arrived. I loved the parade. I had never been there in person before. I thought the Asian girls were the prettiest. After the parade I brought Meagan home and enjoyed visiting and eating at Bagel Stop on the way. In the afternoon I sat and watched the Rose Bowl, Michigan won and I put all Christmas decorations away and then ate candied popcorn.
January 2, 1998 I was frustrated at work again. Just can't get enough done the way I want it. Why am I having such a hard time? Why am I so stressed and hating it so much? I have this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach all the time. Camber and I went to Pucks for supper and then to a movie about slave trading. It is hard to believe man can be so evil and cruel. It was enjoyable though, Camber is very smart and beautiful. Later I walked and ate candied popcorn again.
January 3, 1998 Meagan came over after I had a good day for a change, got a good start on what I wanted to do. We went shopping at Fashion Valley and Meagan found a great deal on 3 pairs of shoes and I bought her a sweater. We ate Cinnabons, cookies and candy!
January 4, 1998 I bore my testimony today but did not say anything I wanted to. But I did forget myself and focus on life, I want to find joy and love in all I do and forget petty feelings that are not good. I'm feeling positive and focusing on what is important. I think all of 7th Ward needs to get closer. Seems all are strangers, not just me. I need to find joy in the moment.
January 5, 1998 Dad's birthday. He was such a good man. Wonder if he and Richard see each other. I am enjoying reading Marvelous Work and A Wonder. Brigham Young in it a lot, I would enjoy teaching from the RS Manual this year I think.
January 18, 1998 It was another one of those very sad and lonely Sundays. I had to force myself to stay at Church. I did stay and Sharon and Doreen sat by me. I felt sorry for the RS lady teaching Brigham Young. She was having such a hard time. I still have not received a call. The Bishop walked right by me, doesn't know me at all. The ward is a big ward but I wonder why I am so insignificant. I want to believe the Lord loves me but I've lost everything and it doesn't 't seem I'll ever find warmth and happiness again. I do not know what to do. I wonder what will happen to Associated, I doubt anyone thinks I am needed. I am not needed anywhere it seems. I went out to the cemetery today. Bandido and I. I saw Kim Jensen's tombstone and the Castellano twin. I just sat on the tombstone next to Richard's after putting a rose in the vase and thought about everything. It is beautiful out there, but I am so alone. What is in store for me?
April, 1998 The cycle goes on, depressed, working to get undepressed. I enjoyed teaching a class in RS on Brigham Young, but they did not call me to be a teacher. I did not involve the class much but many told me what a good lesson it was.
I am now out of the mortgage business. Thank heaven. I am just doing data base, letters, paying bills, keeping books, etc. I think I will enjoy this.
I've been in the ward since July and still don't have a calling. It makes me feel bad that no one can see any value in me.
For about the last month Nadine has been walking with me in the mornings and I really do enjoy that. She has also gotten me into doing Memory Books and I am now doing a Christmas Book as well as Richard's. We also go to the movies!!! So without Nadine I'd really be lonely. She is the only person I have every helped convert (introduced her to the Church, took her to Relief Society and sent the missionaries)..about 30 years ago, she was my hairdresser. She would hear Margot and I talk under the dryers about what we were doing together and she began to ask me questions about the Church. She is a lot younger, divorced Mom with a child, who is an adult, now, of course. She also has her Mom in the same apartment building.
I just spent a week at Maria's. I do not feel lonely but I sense Maria is always ready to get on with other things. I do get invited to Linda's to do things occasionally and although I live at Jimmy's I really don't do much with them, though they probably feel the opposite.
I can see the longer I am alone the more the families will leave me to my own devices. John never calls or comes down but I do call him and Meagan occasionally. It is so hard to believe I lived a busy full life and now have nothing and no identity or worth. I need to get a life!!!!
I am not very fun to be around though, that is for sure.
May 10, 1998 Mother's Day and all is well. I read these back pages of my journal and cannot believe I have been so depressed. I have had fun fixing up my bathroom and a new office as James and Camber have also fixed up the home and it really looks nice. All is well. I've been asked to teach RS lesson and worry that I can't do it well. Nadine and I are looking for beach bikes to add to our walking. I have been feeling peace in my life. So glad to be out of the mortgage business. I'm happy about the little office and separate garage and my own back door. I am doing a lot of different kind of work for James and WMA and so far, so good!!